Shinobi Falling
by une see
Summary: Themed character fics written for LJ fanfic challenge comm 9shinobi. Character 1: Hatake Kakashi. When Kakashi was about seven years old, he saw, for the very first time, the leering face of Death in the face that had once belonged to his father...


**A/N**: Written for 9ninjas, a Naruto-themed LJ challenge comm. Character: Hatake Kakashi. Theme: Memory. Please review! (Also, I don't remember when Kakashi's father committed suicide, so I'm not sure about the seven years old thing.)

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**The Origins of Sorrow**

When Kakashi was about seven years old, he saw, for the very first time, the leering face of Death in the face that had once belonged to his father. And that was the beginning of the tragedy of Hatake Kakashi.

When Kakashi tries to remember what his father was like, all he can see in his mind is the blood spilling out of the mouth of the dying, disgraced White Fang. Kakashi squints his eyes a little bit, and he tries to remember Hatake Sakumo's face, but his Sharingan eye stings, and his eyes blur. But he does not cry for those who have been lost because Hatake Kakashi does not cry, _ever_.

Kakashi is not young now. He has never been _young_. But once, when he was much younger, when he had a team, and friends, and a teacher…once, Kakashi had been happy. He didn't admit it, of course, and when it really mattered, when Obito was dying, when he was _dying_, the words shriveled up on his tongue, and his left eye hurt, and he couldn't, he just couldn't…

Well, Obito was dead. And that would never change. And Rin was dead, also, and there was just so much blood, and she was smiling at him, and he couldn't save her, he couldn't save _anyone_, and her blood was on his hands, on his lips, on his face, and that was it, that was it. His team was gone, and he couldn't do a single fucking thing about it. He wanted to save them. He wanted to save them more than anything in the world. But in the end, for all his genius, for all his talent…Hatake Kakashi was a failure, and he always would be.

Kakashi remembers what the Yondaime had looked like, as he was preparing to give up his life to save the village, all blond hair and blue eyes, sad eyes and bloody hair. Kakashi remembers begging him not to leave, begging him to stay, just this once, please, sensei, don't leave me alone like Obito did, don't leave me, please, please, please. The Yondaime only looked at him with his infuriatingly blue eyes, and he told Kakashi not to worry, that everything would be all right, that he would be okay. It was not the first time that his sensei had ever lied to him, but it was the first lie that he had not believed, not even for a single second, because how could everything be okay if everyone was _dead_?

And as the teacher walked away from the student for the last and only time, Kakashi's face itched under his mask. He told himself that the moisture on his face was the mournful rain that had started to pour from the thundering sky.

Years later (twelve, to be exact), Kakashi felt once again the ineffable pain of losing a precious person. Sasuke had walked away from his village that night, but most importantly, he had walked away from the team that had loved him, and he continued walking, without regret, without emotion, _dead_. Kakashi was a teacher, then, and he could tell, quite clearly, that the grief that a teacher feels with the loss of a student is not the same at all. He could see the sorrow etched onto his other students' faces, and he wondered if that was how he and Rin had looked when Obito had died. Kakashi felt a distant ache in his chest when he received the news, but he thought maybe he was used to it by now.

Hatake Kakashi has never led an easy life, after all, and he wonders sometimes if he should have ended his misery a long time ago. Hatake Kakashi remembers _everything_, and he thinks that Death is a real bitch. Hatake Kakashi is numb, and when he closes his eyes sometimes, he sees the ghosts of his past in the endless darkness of his broken heart. He sees Obito, and Rin, and his father, and his teacher, and he sees Team 7, and after all this time, after all this time, Hatake Kakashi cannot forget. He remembers. He remembers.


End file.
